Could the bear who routinely goes to his thinking spot and thinks Very Deep Thoughts actually be a bear who is Painfully Screwed Up?

Seriously, the denizens of the 100 Aker Wood might benefit greatly from a therapuetic intervention or drug treatment. And soon. We're all worried about what might become of little Roo.

A man goes to visit his doctor. "Doc, I've got a rather embarassing problem, when I break wind, it just doesn't sound right."

"Well how does it sound?" enquires the doctor.

"It makes a Honda sound."

The doctor looks puzzled, "Hmm, is there anything else I should know?"

"Well I also have a terrible boil on my buttocks," replies the man.

The doctor looks pleased, "Thats it then. We'll lance that boil and you'll see a difference immediately,"

"Why's that then, Doc?" asks the man.

"It's well known," said the Doctor, "Abscess makes the fart grow Honda."

This story probably won't provoke much fist-raising political enthusiasm or social controversy, and may not even surprise many at all. It appears that about 1% - a sizeable portion of the human population - are not interested in doing the 'wild thing' at all, with anybody:

About one percent of adults have absolutely no interest in sex, according to a new study, and that distinction is becoming one of pride among many asexuals. The new study was conducted by Anthony Bogaert, a psychologist and human sexuality expert at Brock University in St. Catherines, Ontario.

It was published in the latest issue of The Journal of Sex Research and is the focus of a report in this Saturday's issue of New Scientist. Bogaert's analysis looked at responses to another study in Britain, published in 1994. That study was based on interviews of 18,000 people about their sexual practices....

New Scientist says such studies offer insights into sexuality, the results remain controversial. "The closest we have got to understanding human asexuals comes from studies -- mostly surveys - of people who report not have sex," it says. A 1994 survey, published by The University of Chicago Press, found that 13 percent of 3,500 respondents had no sex in the past year. Forty percent of those people said they were extremely happy or very happy with their lives.

"If asexuality is indeed a form of sexual orientation, perhaps it will not be long before the issue of 'A' pride starts attracting more attention," New Scientist says. Activists have already started campaigning to promote awareness and acceptance of asexuality, it reports.

The Asexual Visibility and Education Network has an online store that sell items promoting awareness and acceptance on asexuality. Among the items is a T-shirt with the slogan, "Asexuality: it's not just for amoebas anymore."

How about a T-shirt that plays off the [a]sexual habits of yeasts... "Hey, Baby, Let's Bud"? Or, more succinctly, "I'm 'A'." As Bonnie Raitt once sang on her hit "Thing Called Love":

Don't have to humble yourself to me,
I ain't your judge or your king
Baby, you know I ain't no Queen of Sheba
We may not even have our dignity,
this could be just a powerful thing
Baby we can choose you know we ain't no amoebas

More in The Scotsman: "Sex? No Thanks."

"This is ground control to Major Tom . . . "

Speculation abounds that perhaps we should be worrying less about what Bush is saying, and more about what is being whispered in his ear . . .

(Yeah, I know the 'Bowie' quote is kind of lame, but it was either that or "What's the Frequency, Kenneth?")

*I don't know what it means. I can't even begin to understand. I saw it last Saturday on the package of an Asian import toy at a local fleamarket here in the desert. I guess I just wanted to share my pain.