...is only one of the things you'll learn from three-handed-extraterrestrial-chef-in-drag Harvey Korman in the long-lost, George Lucas-suppressed 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special. Last Saturday we had the experience of watching all two hours, courtesy of a couple of good friends with good media connections (and collections). Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew I saw this musical revue on TV during its maiden airing, but my brain knew better and suppressed it as well. Like the Titanic, it was never heard from again.

The first twenty minutes of the program are set on WookkieeWorld, in Chewbacca's family's treetop home. Chewie's wife, his son Lumpy and denture-free father Itchy are waiting for him to arrive home from interstellar space in time to celebrate LifeDay, a holiday UU churches would love. Unfortunately the Wookkiee family no speaka Engrish, and we are left to interpret their grunts and groans without the aid of subtitles, Han Solo or C3PO. So, what does the show have to do with Star Wars?

Little or nothing; scratch that - absolutely nada.

Leads Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher and Mark Hammill (none of whom appear on-screen for more than five minutes, and were probably paid in scrip) appear in hastily-shot keyed video cameos using some leftover sets from the film. For the rest of the show, Bea Arthur (as a Tatooine Cantina bartender), Art Carney, Harvey Korman (a three-armed alien Julia Child in drag), Diahann Carroll (as a VR Wookkiee porn star Chewbacca's dad 'enjoys' - seriously) and Jefferson Starship (wearing purple spacesuits and playing those tweaky keyboard-guitars) sing, dance, and muddle along without a plot, a script, or a clue. It's so awful, it's a gem. Trivia note: one of the show's writers was Bruce Vilanch.

While this exercise in gob-droppingly bad television isn't available at your local Best Buy®, if you hunt around a little on the internet, it's not hard to find a pirated copy.

Afterthought: this person knows the names and history of every character in the show.